im kai-ed

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What do I deserve?

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"I can't breath and my heart feel stuffy, the same action keeps replaying in my head" The title might be depressing but I am trying to write a less-depressed post. I am not in the state of depression, by the way. I got lost in my emotions sometimes. Maybe because I always decided to write when I am sad or overthink things. That's why the posts sounded soooooo depressed 😌 And I realized that my negative posts made my friends worried? Making people worried are not the best thing I would do pun. So today I decided to write while I am at my happy state. Besides being with Iskandar, there are so many things that could make me happy. I just avoided doing it. Instead of doing things that could make me happy, I always got myself doing thing that I just wanted to do before thinking about the side effects. First thing on the list is always to write in my bullet journal. This blog might contain a lot of my worse side but my brighter side is a...
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A Good Listener.

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A good listener might be a good person to reach to. Someone that listen to your EVERYTHING and actually tries to be in your shoes. And comes out with helpful advises. People love reaching out to good listener because good listener never judge. A good listener helps us let go all of the things that mess our mind. But thats its, a good listener -- listens. After the good listener listens, it ended up with a 'thank you', a 'i feel more at ease'. Nobody ends it with a new start. I mean who ends the ted talk with 'what about you?' or simply asking is there anything bothering you. Nobody cares if the good listener were having so many killing thoughts on their minds. Have you ever wonder how easy would it be, if the person who always reaches out a good listener, reaches out to be a good listener too. My sentences got really messed up right now but I hope its understandable. A friend of mine, a good friend of mine, called me today to hav...
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The Truth.

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"I'm the one I should love in this world. Me, who shines, my precious soul. Now I finally realize, so I love me. Though I may lack some things, I'm so beautiful" - Epiphany. The truth is, I am NOT depressed. Rather than self-claiming I am depressed, I would say that I just think a lot and that makes everything hard, makes me weak. There are just lots of loud voices in my head telling me that I can't do this, I am going to be nothing, everyone is doing well but me. And that's that. But the thing is, I can't seem to stop the voices. Because it is my OWN voices. It is in my OWN head. Yes, of course I can just brushes all the voices away and distract myself. But sis, it wasn't easy. If you think the voices will just go away by blocking your ears, NO. I am trying to get rid all of the voices that bring me down. It will take time but it will be okay, right. Anyway, I'm getting better. I feel so cruel to say this but I am avoiding pe...
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