The 'sometimes'

I feel anxious while writing this post.
I clicked on backspace for like thousands times already.
I wanted to say, but nothing comes out.

All these while, I keep labeling myself as a non-over thinker.
Because I am more easy-going when it comes to feeling.
A guy might suddenly comes to me giving chocolates and others would think about it for the whole night.
Thoughts like .. 'he likes me?' 'so he had a crush on me?'
While me, a non-over thinker would say thanks and let it go.
I don't really like having so much thoughts in my mind.

But recently, I became so anxious with my whole life, with my future.
I don't really show my feelings to anyone or what-more talk about it with anyone.
I'd love to keep it to myself.
These days I keep getting thoughts like what if I cant make it?
What if I'm late.
Because I grew up in a society that think you have fail because you are left behind.

Sometimes, I really wanted to turn back time.
Or.
Sometimes, I really wanted to fast-forwarded my life.



I wanted to turn back time.
To fix my personality, my attitude and my passions.
I wanted to make myself more confident, more open to anyone.
I wanted to be better.
I don't want to be the myself I'm being right now.
I wanted to turn back time, to think less.

But I also wanted to fast-forwarded my life.
Where things are at its place.
Where things are stable.
Where I can just simply say to myself that I did it, and everything is okay and there is nothing to be anxious anymore.

Right now.
I am shutting people out.
Even though the idea of shutting people out are very selfish.
But thats really make me feel better.
And I want them to know that I still exist, just, not in their world anymore.
I really am typing this without thinking anything.
This is my most honest post out of all these hundreds posts.
For the first time, I don't want anyone to care about me.
For the first time, I don't want anyone to ask me if I'm doing okay.
For the first time, I don't want anyone to hit me up with even a 'hi'.

I just want to fix everything, with my own hands.
I don't need anyone lending their hands right now.
For once, I wanted to stand on my own feet.
I wanted to make my own choice.
I want to run away but I have no destination to go.



But everything will be okay, right?

p/s : I wonder if there's really people out there who say my name in their prayers.. like REALLY.