The Truth.

"I'm the one I should love in this world. Me, who shines, my precious soul.
Now I finally realize, so I love me. Though I may lack some things, I'm so beautiful" - Epiphany.

The truth is, I am NOT depressed.
Rather than self-claiming I am depressed, I would say that I just think a lot and that makes everything hard, makes me weak.
There are just lots of loud voices in my head telling me that I can't do this, I am going to be nothing, everyone is doing well but me.
And that's that.
But the thing is, I can't seem to stop the voices.
Because it is my OWN voices.
It is in my OWN head.
Yes, of course I can just brushes all the voices away and distract myself.
But sis, it wasn't easy.
If you think the voices will just go away by blocking your ears, NO.
I am trying to get rid all of the voices that bring me down.
It will take time but it will be okay, right.

Anyway, I'm getting better.
I feel so cruel to say this but I am avoiding people that I think are toxic to me.
They might meant a lot to me but I am not going to stay attached to people anymore.
I am not completely leaving them, but emm building a... thin wall.. between us? if that is the right words 😕

Things are going way too harsh but the things that happened made me realized that I still have people who cares about me.
And I still have people that I care about.
As I'm getting a little break last two weeks, I think a lot about the people that I care about.
I have been too selfish without even realized that I might hurt them, and makes them worried about me.
I received constant support from my family and friends.
For sending me messages, asking me if I'm okay, offers to listen to my problems.
There's just a lot and it all makes me cry.
I mean, there are people who cares? How crazy that is?
I feel so bad that I can't react and thank each one of them but if you're seeing this, thank you.

If I could share, I would share two things I do that have been helping me for the past months.
I have been reading lyrics that I think would convince me that life is good.
LOL when you listen to Korean songs, that probably it, you read the translated lyrics.
If I could suggest, it would be more than 20 songs but I can shortlist it.

1. My Pace (Stray Kids) - basically a song that convinced me that I have my own pace, my life, my future, has its own pace. So I need to stop comparing myself with others, and its okay to run slowly.
2. I See (J.ONE) - its a really honest song. The struggles not to give up, people might ask you to stop because you're struggling but there are also people that are supporting you.
3. Mixtape#2 (Stray Kids) - how I caught up to this song is because the lyrics; even the dark shadows need light to exist. This song is really comforting, convinced me that I am not alone "I have those times too".
4. Epiphany (BTS Jin) - Nope, not a fan of BTS anymore but this song is really asdfshdsghd. Its all about self-love. 
5. Hug (Seventeen) - one more comforting song. just. a song to listen to when you feel like crying 😂
6. Grow Up (Stray Kids) - been listening to this song since last year and Syafa got really annoyed by it 😂😂 but the lyrics are telling me that I am doing well. Mistakes happen, and its just a part of growing up, don't worry to much.
7. Broken Compass (3RACHA) - it took me quite some times when I first listened to this song especially the part where it says "As long as I stay with my heart, I can rely on a broken compass". After reading some more, its all about faith. 
8. For You (3RACHA/Stray Kids) - They actually have two versions of this and I prefer both. There's this part in 3Racha version where the lyrics goes "Yeah even if the result don’t go your way it’s not the end. There's always another opportunity, don't give up". 

There are actually more songs I would put here.

Future Wina, if you are having a hard time, maybe listen back to these songs hehehe.

Anyway, I did not suggest this song based on music-wise but lyrics-wise.

Some of the songs might not easy to listen to especially if you're unfamiliar with Korean raps, then you might find it difficult to listen to song 7 or 8. But yeah.

Another way, I write.

My closest friends would already know this.

How much I love to write, how much I write.

I have journals.

The recent one started on last October.

When I bought the journal, I planned to be active on it since I kind of have a lot of times.

So I have been writing a lot.

Confessions, whether it be a happy confession or sad confession or just some random stuffs.

But I tried not to make the journal looks so depressed since I'm keeping it for a long time but I cant help it.

The journal has been written with lots of things that happened.

I wrote what the bad voices told me in my head, so that I don't have to keep them in my head anymore.

I feel relieved every time I write.

Eventhough it's just a simple things that I right but,

I love doing the things that I love.

One of the reasons I love writing is that so one day, in the future, I would read them back and "Wow, I went through all these" and I am sure by that time I am already better than how I am right now, so I'll appreciate myself better. Will I?

Not to be dramatic but I do think we need to look back to the past to realize how far we've become.

Last but not least, be grateful 💛